There’s been some recent hubbub about how most of the original seven wonders of the world no longer exist (the ongoing search for Atlantis notwithstanding).

Basically, since the majority no longer exist, there seems to be a movement underway to select what are the world’s current seven wonders.

Did you register to vote?

While some autocrats might demand kitty hijabs or vibrating panties be included, the fact remains that we’re all pretending to have a somewhat democraticish deliberation about the matter. Of course, since the Giza pyramids are one of the original seven, we must include them. But you cannot include superdogs. So, then, who else?

I propose the following reasonable choice for the next four slots, which you will no doubt concur with me are entirely obvious.

• Easter Island statues
• Great Wall of China
• Statue of Liberty
• Stonehenge

Yabbit, that’s only five! Settle down, Jim Bob, the next two might have been unjustifiably overlooked by the idiots running the show, but that doesn’t mean we have to be stupid like they are. Not at all. In fact, let’s just go on and declare the final two wonders of the world to the public at large.

• The Internet
• Romania’s Alien Eggs

Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis? Oh, I forgot. You aren’t aware that the alien invasion has already begun. They’ve planted their filthy seed for an extraterrestrial insurrection. They are among us, now.

Heck, anyone who has ever driven across the country on Romanian highways knows that basic fact. No UFO conspiracy needed. There are so many alien eggs that street vendors setup roadside kiosks every several kilometers and sell them for a mere 5 to 7 dollars.

Just look at that glowing skin, all covered in a kind of sweat that makes the soft exterior a bit slippery like a dolphin’s flesh. Or an eel. Did you look close enough to see how it seems slightly transparent too? I dare ya to poke that egg a little. It’ll give way to the pressure of your pinky.

And here you thought I was only joking, didn’t ya? S’okay to admit it. We’re gathered together here around this blog, all of us holding virtual hands in order to support one another in our pursuit of the truth no matter how much it might shake your faith. The aliens are real and in Transylvania right now.

But just because you can pick up your own alien egg from any number of bored farmers‘ wives by the side of the road or at some local grocery stores, don’t assume everything is on the up and up. Oh no. Let’s not be naive, shall we?

What’s important to realize is with Romania’s looming entry into the EU, the populace has very slowly shed it skin of communist cronyism (at least, to outward appearances) and adopted a laissez faire market system where anything goes.

It’s total anarchy out there. If you need proof, you only need cast your eyes as far as the next place with alien eggs for sale. They’ve studied the guerrilla marketing tactics of Americans and understand that if you affix a price tag to most any old thing, there’s always some sucker who’ll think it’s valuable.

Whoa there, hoss. Just hold your horses.

I know you’re excited to buzz right on over to the hinterlands of the Black Sea, but you need to understand these alien eggs aren’t child’s play. Why, they’re downright dangerous. Ask anyone.

Or did you think they tied its’ mouth shut for no reason whatsoever?

The locals always tie shut the alien egg’s mouth to keep it from biting your head off. Personally, I find it to be a curiously welcome practice. I suppose the general idea is that you shouldn’t get attacked by extraterrestrial beings until you’re darn good and ready.

Keep in mind that no one advocates you to do stupid things. For example, I could tell you about the time I saw some nutjob on Westheimer. Riding his Ducati without a helmet. Sitting on the front with his arms behind him to control the handlebars. Popping wheelies at ludicrous speed. And probably loaded on coke.

Oh, yes, but I know you, reader.

You’re not convinced about all that crazy “safety precaution” mumbo jumbo.

As soon as you’ve unleashed the beast, the first thing you’ll notice is its’ breath which smells a bit like a piquant cheese. If the creature opens its’ lips to try biting your fingers off, you may notice that the internal composition also resembles soft cheese.

Anyone might be able to leap to the next logical conclusion that this similarity, this familiarity, is the probable cause for locals to actually tell foreigners the alien egg is made of cheese. The funny part is that tourists believe it.

Oh, but I don’t mean humorous in that context. I believe the rationale behind the acceptance of this fallacy is that no one person has a monopoly on the various historical lessons offered to humanity by Mr. Ulyanov and Onkel Wolf.

Basically, the rumors say this so-called “branza de burduf” is a centuries-old Transylvanian culinary tradition. Today, in villages and towns across the Transylvania region of Romania, local people continue making food the original way, slowly, using the finest milk from sheep who graze exclusively on the heavily-flowered grasses of the green lowlands.

When the sheep are milked, the flavorful liquid is slowly transformed into a solid using a rich, natural source of cheese creating enzymes — the stomachs of lambs slaughtered for food. After a few days, the cheesemaker will tear off a big chunk, add a little salt, and begin kneading it like dough.

Once prepared, it can be stored a few different ways. They say that sometimes the cheese is stored in curled back of pine trees, although I’ve never seen this personally, which slightly alters the taste. Others say it can be stored in thin sheep skin, but I understand this is rare. It seems the most popular method is to store the cheese right back into stomach linings for preservation.

Thus, the lie is complete. Who can argue with all the details of such a fantastic story? So, what happens, you see, is that people actually eat the innards!

One method is to promptly scoop some of the “cheese” out with a small knife and spread it over soft lipie, fold in half and dive into a delicious quesadilla-like creation. You may find yourself repeating this process more than once.

I’ve personally witnessed branza de burduf used in a divisified range of recipes. Scrambled eggs with ceapa, ardei, and alien penetralia. Make an omelette with a mix of cheeses including Transylvanian burduf. A little breakfast sandwich made from toast with branza and eggs over easy, anyone?

No need to stop there. Salatines with alien egg make a great snack. For prinz, your delicious tocaniţa can be further enhanced by adding this special Romanian cheese which not only imbues new flavor but also makes the texture creamy. I’ve put branza de burduf in homemade marinara sauce to give both pizzas and pasta that extra oomph.

The possibilities seem endless.

Especially if you take into account the spread of the cover-up throughout other cultures who then create fusion foods. The Slovaks have bryndza. The Germans created a fake cheese documentary of what was really an alien autopsy. Romanian experts are invited to lecture in Italy, fueling a larger trend of Romanian cuisine. Even the distant island of Japan talks about it.

Just don’t believe the hype about ancient cheeses of Transylvania. It’s not “branza de burduf” you find for sale in Romania. If it looks like an alien egg, feels like an alien eggs, and smells like an alien egg, then I submit to you that it’s high time we acknowledge the presence of UFOs in eastern Europe.

Not only do many stores carry them, but even passers-by whizzing through the lush Romanian landscape will find roadside kiosks planted everywhere and selling innumberable strange objects that look just like alien eggs. I, for one, welcome our cheese-laden overlords and hope they don’t become overly aggressive.

Oh, yeah. One more thing. Branza buna in burduf de caine.

Which is to say never — ever — leave your alien egg unsupervised when Spammy Van Helsing lurks about.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 18th, 2006 at 3:18 pm and is filed under Food. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.