Romerican security survelliance captured images of two otherwise anonymous judges the morning after a triple-header.

More madness and scandal here in the BraşoDome, sportsfans.

The third and final leg of Saturday’s triple-header featured the mysterious Carrefour Bere Blonda you’ve all been looking forward to learning more about as they sought to crush opaque offering from Ursus Breweries. Let’s face it; the odds were entirely unequal as Carrefour weighed in with a h-u-g-e two liter plastic bottle pitted against a couple of half liter glass bottles of Ursus Black.

With their sister team Ursus Premium having been humiliated early in the evening, Ursus Black approached the field in a somber mood. Now, when the Description Committee says “black” then you can rest assured it was indeed black. Not brown. Not dark. Nossir, truth in advertising is what you get when you crack open a portion of Ursus Black. Take a look at the difference between a full bottle and an empty one when both are backlit.

The beer sold generically at Carrefour, under the “brand name” of 1 (literally the number one), is slapped together by sadistic zombies at SC IMEX SRL (who, believe it or not, create another beer appropriately named after a coma) and then is actually provided to Hiproma (the primary Carrefour franchisee who has exclusive rights to the Romanian market).

For the opening move, Ursus Black poured itself into a pint glass and appeared strongly reminiscent of Guiness, except the foam wasn’t nearly as thick.

The taste was unlike the creamy smoothness of Guiness, however. Instead, the northern bear has a noticeably thinner mouthfeel and a distinct smoke flavor that reminded the judges (a little bit) of the glory days of Blackened Voodoo (made in the world’s last cypress tanks, before the flooding). As you might have guessed, this meant Ursus Black struck home first and lit up the scoreboard. GOAL!

When Carrefour got its turn at the gaping mouth, the world flipped upside down for a moment. The monsterous taste of this frankenstein beer nearly caused all consumers to blow their biscuits at first swallow. Seemingly undescribeable in the midst of the confusion, later survivors would recall the flavor was extremely close to how one might imagine Clin or Windex might taste.

Clearly, this disruption in the force did not go unpunished. While everyone was confused by the notion of this filth being marketed under the misleading label of “beer,” the poor saps from Carrefour actually shot the ball into the net — their own! GOAL!

The poor naseauted staff desperately clawed for a swig of Ursus Black just to wash out the aftertaste of bleach, but the Cluj players had a notion of their own. With blazing speed, the rich dark intensity flowed past lips and on toward tonsils to the delight of the tastebuds in the crowd. That stout woody pleasantry nearly blew the ball into bits and pieces when it shot yet another tasty strike. GOAL!

The halftime show broadcast live from RadioLynx. These nonconformist radicals of radio abandon all pretense of any format contraints and simply play a wide variety that’s perfect for your ADD problem. Where else can you hear Billy Ocean, Ozzy Osbourne, jazz fusion, 50s music, reggae, bizarre 70s rock bands covering Abba tunes, and then Weird Al Yankovich all in a row?

With Ursus Black getting the majority of the playtime, the two bottles learned how to use their small stature to their advantage, darting in and out of the monolithic two liter’s path. It wasn’t terribly long into the second half when so-called king of beers used its rather substantial alcoholic domination on a corner kick to bing one off the lid of a fellow bottle and into the open target. GOAL!

Normally, experts would have predicted that the IMEX creation would eventually score a goal for based on its price positioning, but that just never materialized. Instead, the marca un sticla must have drank some of its own contents because it started acting insane, pushing referree Spammy down to the ground in a tantrum.

As frightened attendees scrambled over one another to get as far away as possible from Carrefour’s deadly poison, the screams of a crushed pig went muffled under the repeated jumping a plastic bottle until all was silent. Riot police and army reserves were called into eject Hiproma from the game…

Final score: Carrefour 0 – Ursus Black 4

The Event Coordination Committee regrets to inform you, the anxious public, that the match schedule for tonight between Caraiman and Noroc has been postponed due to a failure of the Requisition Committee to procure Caraiman despite spending two hours scouring over two dozen stores. The match will be rescheduled for another night as soon as the Luca down the street decides it wants to start carrying it again because all the other stores never even heard of it. We are very sorry for any inconvenience you may have suffered and we hope to make things right soon.

The Organizing Committee also wishes to inform you that Hopfen Konig has been disqualified from the competition and will, instead, be replaced by a heretofore unknown Romanian team called Postavaru in Group G. Also, Balea and Aurora will swap seats into Groups E and F, respectively. That is all.

Saturday noapte’s first leg of a scheduled triple-header featured a tease of the T’s. On one side of the ring was Tuborg, the third foreign beer to qualify for competition and quite possibly the most common beer in all of Romania, which originally hails from recently embattled Denmark. Squaring off against it was Timişoreana the pride and soul of 1718 Temesvar, winner of medals in 1891 and 1908, and self-proclaimed prima fabrica de bere din Romania. Each team arrived by bus to the BraşoDome.

Managed by Graffiti BBDO in Bucuresti, the de luxe beer team of 1895 Copenhagen made sure to promote it’s seasonale theme of “Tuborg, iţi elibereaza imaginaţia!” Translators on hand specified that this meant Tuborg was exceptionally clever in marketing the idea to young men that they could use Tuborg to relax the inhibitions of sexual prey, if not outright get the victim drunk altogether. Oy vey!

Timisoreana, owned by South African giangantocorp SABMiller, countered by promoting its three centuries of heritage when the brewery was founded in commemoration of the Habsburg empire’s brutal crushing of the Turks in 1718 at the experienced (and many say brilliant) hands of Eugène de Savoie-Carignan, who fought on behalf of the Roman church and was wounded 13 times during his efforts to free Hungary from Ottoman rule. God, war, and beer. Smashing!

When it came time for the opening cap-off, officials noticed that Tuborg was running a contest. “Castigi cu Tuby Cap!” So, Spammy was called in to personally oversee the removal of the old-school peel-off bottle-top (with-hyphenation) and thrillingly inspect for cadou. Ba nu!

The action was fast and furious for the first half, with a rapid exchange of sips and gulps as baffled judges sought to determine a difference between the flavor strategies of each team. With distinction being so elusive, an executive decision was made to abandon frozen mugs in favor of simple pint glasses. Once temperatures rose several degrees to a nice cool, the distance between the two teams was microscopic. Timişoreana was noted to have just a slightly hoppier after taste while Tuborg was a bit more watery. However, the big blue T was unable to capitalized on the difference and score any points.

The halftime show captivated a riveted audience with its rather enjoyable bit of Serenity. During halftime most of the crowds headed for the snack bar. So did Spammy.

Once back on the grass, each team tried to score points with their relatively clean and somewhat crisp tastes. While still unable to gain advantage over one another on taste, the two teams were considered to be acceptable light summerbeers by most of those on the sidelines. In the end it was Timişoreana who found a market advantage in cheapness and bopped one into the scorebox. GOAL!

Upset, the Danes called for an instant replay. Spammy was on hand to verify the recommended preţ and ensure no buyers were being ripped off by their local alimentara.

And that’s the way it ended folks. More or less enjoyable but without any devastating excitement.

Final score: Tuborg 0 – Timişoreana 1