More madness and scandal here in the BraşoDome, sportsfans.

The third and final leg of Saturday’s triple-header featured the mysterious Carrefour Bere Blonda you’ve all been looking forward to learning more about as they sought to crush opaque offering from Ursus Breweries. Let’s face it; the odds were entirely unequal as Carrefour weighed in with a h-u-g-e two liter plastic bottle pitted against a couple of half liter glass bottles of Ursus Black.

With their sister team Ursus Premium having been humiliated early in the evening, Ursus Black approached the field in a somber mood. Now, when the Description Committee says “black” then you can rest assured it was indeed black. Not brown. Not dark. Nossir, truth in advertising is what you get when you crack open a portion of Ursus Black. Take a look at the difference between a full bottle and an empty one when both are backlit.

The beer sold generically at Carrefour, under the “brand name” of 1 (literally the number one), is slapped together by sadistic zombies at SC IMEX SRL (who, believe it or not, create another beer appropriately named after a coma) and then is actually provided to Hiproma (the primary Carrefour franchisee who has exclusive rights to the Romanian market).

For the opening move, Ursus Black poured itself into a pint glass and appeared strongly reminiscent of Guiness, except the foam wasn’t nearly as thick.

The taste was unlike the creamy smoothness of Guiness, however. Instead, the northern bear has a noticeably thinner mouthfeel and a distinct smoke flavor that reminded the judges (a little bit) of the glory days of Blackened Voodoo (made in the world’s last cypress tanks, before the flooding). As you might have guessed, this meant Ursus Black struck home first and lit up the scoreboard. GOAL!

When Carrefour got its turn at the gaping mouth, the world flipped upside down for a moment. The monsterous taste of this frankenstein beer nearly caused all consumers to blow their biscuits at first swallow. Seemingly undescribeable in the midst of the confusion, later survivors would recall the flavor was extremely close to how one might imagine Clin or Windex might taste.

Clearly, this disruption in the force did not go unpunished. While everyone was confused by the notion of this filth being marketed under the misleading label of “beer,” the poor saps from Carrefour actually shot the ball into the net — their own! GOAL!

The poor naseauted staff desperately clawed for a swig of Ursus Black just to wash out the aftertaste of bleach, but the Cluj players had a notion of their own. With blazing speed, the rich dark intensity flowed past lips and on toward tonsils to the delight of the tastebuds in the crowd. That stout woody pleasantry nearly blew the ball into bits and pieces when it shot yet another tasty strike. GOAL!

The halftime show broadcast live from RadioLynx. These nonconformist radicals of radio abandon all pretense of any format contraints and simply play a wide variety that’s perfect for your ADD problem. Where else can you hear Billy Ocean, Ozzy Osbourne, jazz fusion, 50s music, reggae, bizarre 70s rock bands covering Abba tunes, and then Weird Al Yankovich all in a row?

With Ursus Black getting the majority of the playtime, the two bottles learned how to use their small stature to their advantage, darting in and out of the monolithic two liter’s path. It wasn’t terribly long into the second half when so-called king of beers used its rather substantial alcoholic domination on a corner kick to bing one off the lid of a fellow bottle and into the open target. GOAL!

Normally, experts would have predicted that the IMEX creation would eventually score a goal for based on its price positioning, but that just never materialized. Instead, the marca un sticla must have drank some of its own contents because it started acting insane, pushing referree Spammy down to the ground in a tantrum.

As frightened attendees scrambled over one another to get as far away as possible from Carrefour’s deadly poison, the screams of a crushed pig went muffled under the repeated jumping a plastic bottle until all was silent. Riot police and army reserves were called into eject Hiproma from the game…

Final score: Carrefour 0 – Ursus Black 4

This entry was posted on Monday, June 19th, 2006 at 1:47 am and is filed under Mondial Bere '06. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.