Match 5 - Group E - Holsten vs Ursus
Votch owt! Zee germahns arr hier!
The teutonic knights of Holsten came riding into Romania on a black horse from Hamburg. “Gebraut nach dem Reinheitsgebot,” was the battle cry of the jade warriors. Founded in 1879, this “premium bier” (da, in deutschglish) is produced in Pantelimon under the supervision of the German parent company for quality control purposes.
Notice the company apparently cannot spell its own name correctly. Is it a harbinger of things to come? Let’s find out. In the meantime, Holsten needs to learn how to get the details right or else consider a little modesty.
But, oh child, lest we be naive, let us not deny the strange games the golden bears play. Nearly the same age as Holsten, the boys from Ursus were founded in 1878 in Cluj. Recently, they were acquired by SABMiller and now proclaim themselves to be “King of Beers in Romania.” King of Beers, eh? That egoism sounds familiar.
Ursus felt confident about its current promotie offering 6 Ursus-branded beer glasses to 40,000 winning fans who popped a lucky cap, so it aggressively drove right now the field as soon as the top was off. The mere reputation of its liquid refreshment had the Romanian crowd standing on their seats, jumping for joy, and generally in a state of racous frenzy as they anticipated the early kill shot. Exactly when the ball should have gone into the net, Holsten’s intial sip stretched sideways and blocked the shot by the fingertips as the disbelieving fans groaned in agony.
After only a couple volleys of swallowation, Holsten broke away from flaccid Ursus in a Heineken-like move using it’s wonderfully bitter pils approach to blow away the competition and put up the first point on the board as jaws dropped. GOAL!
The halftime ceremonies consisted of nabbing a little sun before it disappeared as the BrasoDome went balcon-style. At a sufficient volume, were the vocal trance styling of Digitally Imported. The listless crowd debated the supposed strengths of Ursus and speculated about it’s potential to wage a comeback try.
Somebody somewhere blew a whistle, so the players trotted back out onto the field. In what might appear on the surface to be a mere coincident, each team presented a clear glass style of play. From all 360 degrees of the sports facility, viewers got to see the two beers had virtually difference in either color or head consistency.
In one of the many blind taste tests conducted by Romerican during Campionatul Mondial de Bere, the expert panel of judges were not confused for even one moment as to which beer clearly had a superior taste. One lone field referee predicted numerous times that the King of Bears’s taste would surely score, but on each occassion the relative merits were rebutted time and again by the black knights.
With no difference between alcoholic skills or rough price points, time came down to the wire. Ursus tried to make something of it’s slightly hoppy flavor, but was ultimately watered down. The domestic favorites tried again with a fruity aroma that got them nowhere. They lost ball control to the honey-pollen flowery nose of Holsten and then the hombres from Hamburg demonstrated their superiority vis-a-vis the red stripes of Ursus bere premium by scoring a second goal based on taste alone. GOAL!
Pissed off beer drinkers across Romania cursed their high resolution screens and started rumors about a possible conspiracy of foreign beer brands having bought off the judges. Back at the BraşoDome, the unhappy Cluj faithful began throwing tomatoes and eggs, forcing security to remove them physically. The poor officiators on the other hand had the unenviable task of recording the details of their decisions down on the field.
Yes, my friends, one has to wonder if I can really keep up with the pace of all this research and documentation. O sa vedem noi. Now that the knight has slain the bear, let’s find that bottle opener for the next round…
Final score: Holsten 2 - Ursus 0
