Famous labelmakers of haute couture gathered in Italy on Saturday to throw a spectacular gala highlighting the latest fashion trends featured in their Spring 2006 collections. Buyer representatives for the largest American merchants were on hand to assess the profit potential of the seasonal line up as well as discuss possible marketing campaigns to encourage consumers to salivate over planned obsolence. Celebrities, dignitaries, and media added to the circus-like atmosphere as the parade of new attire extended after dark and into the early morning hours, serving up d&b breakbeats and miniature weiners that had one end dipped in ranch dressing.

Donatella Versace opened the show in Vatican City, immediately setting the theme which would inevitably be adhered to by all participating design houses. The most popular design of the Versace segment came after her anorexic daughter, Allegra, dramatically collapsed on stage. It was a fabulous ensemble of homosexual actors from Hollywood re-enacting gay sex acts regularly performed by church leaders.

“You have to admit there’s just something hot and sexy about the elegant dresses and pointed hats the papacy still feels is appropriate clothing for men, even after centuries of fashion evolution,” said Frida Giannini, who replaced Tom Ford as head of Gucci. “Just looking at fantabulous homosexual garb of priests makes me wish I was a man so they would find me attractive enough to seduce me by speaking in tongues.”

As the religious orgy unfolded on stage, Giorgio Armani was overheard to have observed, “Of course, it’s about time that we reveal how much influence the church has had on the queer community. Many of us were altar boys when we first felt the subtle joys of removing high-threadcount, finely woven robes from the eagerly awaiting older men who would teach us about life.”

Valentino Garavani agreed vociferously, saying “It’s the whole thing about grown men wearing fancy dresses who get to convince little boys to drop to their knees so they have open mouths at crotch-level while the priest releases white stuff on their tongues with the masochistic command to swallow it. Talk about kinky! Grr, baby. Very grr.”

“I thought it was simply marvelous the way the bishop accurately portrayed the giving of fellatio to the pope. Just marvelous,” gushed Domenico Dolce. “It’s almost like the actors had experienced the holy blessing themselves.”

Stefano Gabbana quipped, “Oh, shush. You always have to talk.”

As the two began to throw a full tizzy, Gucci released its great group of garish gays galavanting, gesticulating, and gyrating throughout the hallowed halls of the hectic Holy See in gorgeous gear inspired by their latin culture cousins from Romania.

Karl Lagerfeld leaped to his feet, applauding the bold stylings of the eastern poponar community. He was unavailable to comment on behalf of Fendi, but he did manage to snag another martini from the open bar before climbing atop a 2-meter tall statue of Jesus Christ so he could yell over the loudspeakers and announce that Donatella looks like a pre-op Jar Jar Binks transvestite.

Internationally known DJ Carl Cox, in an exclusive interview to Romer!can, poignantly noted, “Wobble. Wobble.”

This entry was posted on Saturday, April 1st, 2006 at 1:48 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.